Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Shepherd Nails

This is even more wrong than my Jesus/Bird/Dan photoshop job. Holy Mary of Sweet Divinity, this is sacrilegious. "Amazing Holding Power".

priceless. Thanks to my main man, Jet, for the photo. It also led to the following scrapbook exchange on orkut, pretty much confirming my spot in Hell:

Dan: Holy crap, check this photo out.

Will: Holy crap is right: Jesus looks just like Jeff Foxworthy!

Dan: if you're a carpenter who hangs out with fishermen and are always trying to multiply your booze ... you might be a redneck.

Will: New Scholarship Reveals Actual Last Words Of Jesus

In a dramatic reversal of long-held Biblical tradition, scholars at Busch University in East Jesus, Tennessee revealed yesterday that that last words of Jesus Christ before he ascended the Cross were not "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." Instead, claims the Right Reverend Dr. Bubba Rainbow, Jesus coined the now-famous phrase, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Dan: The Roman soldiers struggled as they tried to push up the cross of the freshly crucified jew king, his blood and tears drizzling down upon them. They struggled physically; they struggled emotionally. What if he really was the son of God? And even if he wasn’t, was this really a fate befitting a docile, deluded, madman? And Christ was he heavy.

But then, a raspy voice absolved them and gave them the strength they needed to finish a fate that was much larger than all of them. “Get ‘er done”, whispered Jesus.

Will: The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Goddamn, my fuckin' head." he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Git the hell off my damn feet! And tell them kids ta knock off all that shittin' noise, I'm tryin' ta sleep!"

Dan: To the doubting Thomas, Jesus challenged, “You calling me a fucking liar? I’m fittin’ to show you something. No, no, he said it. Sit yer ass down, Paul. He said it. Come here smart guy. Put your finger in my hand. Put it in there. Put your hand in my side. No, hey, listen, no, don’t touch my beer. I’m perfectly sober. I’m just teaching this book-learnin sumbitch a lesson. Put your hand in my side, Tommy Boy. Yeah. That’s what I thought. What’s up now. Don’t you ever doubt me. Who’s your Daddy? That’s right. God’s your Daddy? And who’s God? That’s right. Me. Well, sort of. In that Trinity sense. But seriously, just listen to me. I love you, man. Not like them queers. Like your Daddy. Well … not like your daddy. We all know how your daddy loves you!! Am I right, Paul? Ah, shit. That’s good stuff. Seriously though, brutha. Just listen to me when I tell you something.”

Thomas high fived Jesus and they shared a Busch Light Draft.

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